…according to the self-proclaimed Condiment Queen.
I’m not sure if you know, but I have quite a reputation. Any time an article surfaces about a new vehicle to feed us as much ranch as possible in the shortest amount of time (ranch fountains and kegs, anyone?), it is guaranteed that at least a handful of people will send it along to me. I really do appreciate it, but someday they will learn that I sort of loathe Hidden Valley* (and there are very few ranch dressings I’ve met and don’t like), and it is almost always the subject behind these contraptions.
I love ranch so much that one of my favorite pieces of jewelry is an homage to the world’s best condiment. I’ve also received an “I [heart] Ranch Dressing” tote and “Needs More Ranch” shirt as gifts. At my work baby shower, the centerpieces were—ahem—centered around ranch.
Depending on the situation, I admit I’m a little embarrassed to eat it, for fear that I will be judged. So when I go to a wedding and there’s a buffet, I make sure to put a “salad” (read: a piece of lettuce or three) on my plate with a generous helping of ranch to dip my dinner rolls—yes, plural.
I will decide where to eat based on an eatery’s ranch. It won’t necessarily break an experience, but house-made ranch can really make an experience. And ranch isn’t just for salads and vegetables. It truly goes with just about everything, but especially cheese fries. Or any bread-like carb topped with cheese, for that matter. Or deep fried fare. So essentially all major food groups.
I digress.
What makes a great ranch dressing is a combination of the flavor, consistency, and scoopability. The ideal ranch is made standard with mayo, buttermilk, and spices that don’t dominate the overall flavor; thick enough to scoop, but not so thick it plops onto whatever food item as you try to drizzle it. A smooth and easily poured take on the Midwest’s favorite condiment is optimal.
Some of my favorite ways to eat ranch are with cheese fries, regular fries, tater tots, and, well, any kind of potato; teriyaki wings (seriously, try it); wraps; and by the spoon (lol, I kid, but seriously—most foods are really just spoons that serve as ranch delivery vehicles). Crinkle fries are great, too, because the dips and valleys allow for maximum ranch coverage.
Below is a shortlist of some of my favorite ranch dressings in greater Cincinnati, as well as a suggested menu item to pair with it. In alphabetical order, of course, because I am nothing if not diplomatic. Store-bought ranch need not apply (unless it’s Marzetti, which I will address in this post).
Arthur’s Cafe (Hyde Park)
Get the ranch at Arthur’s whether you are having a side of fries, wings, or Buffalo Chicken Bites (served with a touch of hot sauce). Arthur’s excellent ranch goes great with all of the above.
Bacalls Cafe (College Hill)
Bacalls’ deliciously standard ranch, in my not-so-humble opinion, pairs the best with Ranch Fries (waffle fries covered in ranch, cheese, and green onions—yes, get it on the side, even though it is already topped with it; the more the merrier), Cheese Nuggets (mozzarella and American cheese nuggets breaded and deep fried), Garlic Teriyaki Chicken Wings, and the Buffalo Chicken Wrap (with garlic teriyaki sauce).
Dewey’s Pizza (multiple)
Dewey’s signature peppercorn ranch is a real crowd pleaser and the course ground pepper really adds to the deliciousness of their famed pizza and calzone accompaniment.
Fireside Pizza (Walnut Hills)
Ranch dressing and pizza go together like tea and strumpets**, so this excellent take works with any of their delicious wood-fired pies. I highly recommend the Redlegger.
Frisch’s Big Boy (multiple)
I have to mention Frisch’s because its ranch dressing is so good, even if the consistency isn’t thick enough for scooping. (I am not a dipper so the more real estate I can cover with ranch dressing, the better.) Thankfully Frisch’s now serves crinkle fries, so there is more scooping leverage.
Goodfellas Pizzeria (OTR, Covington)
One of the most excellent lunch deals around—under $7 for an enormous slice of pizza, side, and soft drink—features breadsticks as long as your arm, which happens to pair great with their drool-worthy ranch.
The Hi-Mark (East End)
The Hi-Mark’s ranch dressing pairs so great with The Hi-Melt (smashed burger, provolone and American cheese, sautéed onions, and fry sauce on sourdough or rye). And that fry sauce!!
Jeff Ruby Restaurants (multiple)
In the most surprising news of all time, I have never asked for ranch to be served with my steak, so I can’t comment on the taste of Ruby’s condiment all on its own. But I will tell you that the Freddie Salad has the most perfect ratio of lettuce to bacon to ranch (86 tomatoes). I don’t even typically care for salad all that much and I dream about Freddie Salads. That’s how good they are.
The Pony fries and ranch dressing (and ketchup, which they are automatically served with)
The Pony (OTR)
While The Pony’s edition of ranch dressing is traditionally a bit more dilly than I prefer, it pairs excellently with my current favorite fries around. Cannot recommend it/them enough!
Zip’s Cafe (Mt. Lookout)
Pair it with their standard fries topped with cheese sauce. Such a simply decadent way to top off this list.
Given how much I love condiments, I would be totally remiss to not shout out some of the best around the city generally.
Bacalls Cafe (College Hill) garlic teriyaki wing sauce
BrewRiver Creole Kitchen (East End) kimchi tartar sauce
BRU Burger Bar (CBD, multiple) ketchup and honey mustard
Bucks Tavern (Symmes Twp.) honey mustard
Frisch’s Big Boy (multiple) tartar sauce
Gold Star (multiple) Heavenly sauce
The Hi-Mark (East End) fry sauce
Skyline Chili (multiple) chili ranch
Wild Mike’s (multiple) Mike’s mix wing sauce
*Loathe may be a strong word here, but I grew up on Hidden Valley and Hidden Valley alone, so I have had enough of it to last a lifetime. But I will eat the crap out of Hidden Valley packets mixed with sour cream!
**If you get this reference, we can definitely be friends.