The Fourth Trimester

I have made it no secret how difficult the adjustment to motherhood has been, and these have undoubtedly been the hardest months of my life.

“It’s just a season.”

“This, too, will pass.”

“It gets better.”

Two weeks. One month. Six weeks. Three months …

I waited, often impatiently, but made it through and met each milestone with hope for better, easier weeks—at the least more confidence. I’ve tried to not wish days away; to embrace every step, reminding myself through tears that each is just a phase. The late night wake-ups, weeks of “random” meltdowns, cluster feeds, hours and hours of assisted naps in a dark nursery, clogged milk ducts, showerless days, overtiredness (her and me), sleep “regressions”, restless nights overwhelmed by anxiety.

Loneliness, defeat, exhaustion, helplessness, frustration, isolation, failure.

Having absolutely no clue what I’m doing.

“It’s okay” is a mantra that has become more than just a consolation to the baby; a reminder to myself that it will, in fact, be okay.

“This, too, will pass.”

But among feeling lost and hopeless I’ve realized that there are so many things that I love and will grieve from this extremely difficult season.

It hasn’t been easy getting to this place. I’ve lived through the fourth trimester and I’ve made a point to talk to someone and prioritize my mental health*.

Snuggling her after middle of the night feedings and memorizing her face through tired eyes.

Celebrating victories—no matter how big (rolling over! “talking”!) or small (10-minute crib nap or connecting a sleep cycle after a rough couple weeks in the regression).

The way she holds onto my shirt collar when she nurses or sleeps.

Soaking in her sweet giggles and excitement while on her changing table, playing in her bouncer, or jamming to Justin Bieber. (Sorry, Dad!)

Seeing her big toothless grin as she wakes up from a nap or night of sleep.

Crossing her little legs while nursing and watching her sweet little hands.

The way she entertains herself and giggles while in her car seat or bouncer.

Watching her grow and develop, as we stare in awe at our perfect Sweetie Girl.

I know parenting will never be easy, but we’re all doing the best we can.

It’s just a season.

This, too, will pass.

It gets better.

♥️

*I’m grateful I have the option. This is what maternal health care should be.